No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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