What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
