Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
