So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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