Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
