after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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