you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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