i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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