I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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