The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
