I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
