yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
