Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
