I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
