first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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