you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
