I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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