K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
