im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
jump out the window naked night went bad
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize