he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize