I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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