all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Be still, my beating vagina.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
