My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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