did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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