when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
she peed on how many people?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
