We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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