you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
