Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
