Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
