My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
