My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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