i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
