You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
