I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
