As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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