Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
