are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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