I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
