ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
