The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Green mimosas i think yes
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
