took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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