You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
