I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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