i permit you to call me
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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