i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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