So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
