"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
