is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
