I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
