...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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