YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
