seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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