I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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