i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
