But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
